A romantic Tale

Setting: Empty stage, lights out. Wind blowing accompanies the sound of tolling bells. The chorus begins as lights slowly brighten. Chorus members surround MOTHER LAURENE,a destitute woman huddled over and facing away from the audience.

• CHORUS: Awake ye sprits from your lazy rest.
  And with no tune asunder sound the horns.
  For angels and ancestors call a fest.
  “A Child!” proclaims the desert, has been born.
  Look and see the wise-men and old maids.
  Bestow upon the babe a many gift.
  The lady brings two eyes that pierce the shade.
  A perfect complement for taste and wit.
  A sense of humor mixed into the fold.
  The father brings in honor and a name.
  Such cool charisma, temp’rament so cold.
  But who twas that who brings the pass’nate flame?
  

• The CHORUS turns toward the MOTHER LAURENE

• CHORUS: For hot desire hungers without cease.
  And hungry children oft grow into beasts.

• Bells ring again along with trumpets. The spotlight focuses on MOTHER LAURENE then turns to the NARRATOR who enters from behind a set piece.
• NARRATOR: In the Dawn of the 21st Century. In the Chinese Year of the Horse. On the cusp of Sagittarius to Capricorn, a child was born. In a dessert town, far west, in a place called Victorville. A child was born.
• MOTHER LAURENE rises up and cuddling a baby, she walks slowly around the stage.
• NARRATOR: To a mother most present and father less so, a child was born. A mother and her child crossed much land, vagabonds to the village that had forsaken it’s duty. Landing in a land below, a of swamps and peppers they made a home. Grandmother planted collard greens and chilis in her backyard. A peculiar child is this, raised by documentaries and mischievous cousins. It simply does not cry but merely stares, absorbing all that is around it. In time the child will become grow in intellect, maturity, and femininity. Confident but humble, passionate, but cool headed. Methodical yet also creative. A testament to those many diverse souls who came before her.
• The CHORUS does a bow.
• NARRATOR: But our story does not begin with her. It begins with a secondary child. Alike in many ways but differing in one key way. It cries, often.
• A crying sound is heard which prompts Mother Laurene offstage. She leaves behind a black scarf that was huddled in her arms.
• NARRATOR: Anybody want this?
• NARRATOR tosses the scarf into the audience.
• NARRATOR: Anywho this, other child, is very effective at getting attention when needed.
• PREACHER, A young boy wearing suspenders, runs out from stage right and trips over himself prompting a bawl of tears as he holds his knee.
• MOTHER LAURENE Is close behind.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Oh baby I’m sorry. I told you not be running like that. Oh do want me to kiss it and make it better?
• PREACHER: Uh huh.
• MOTHER LAUREN: There it’s not so bad I’ll go get some Neosporin a band aid.
• MOTHER LAUREN runs offstage.
• NARRATOR: Aww so cute and innocent. I’m sorry I just love seeing children before this shitty world corrupts them.
• PREACHER with a slight Jamaican accent and lisp : What a sthucker. That only barely hurt but, now I’m getting out of doing thishes tonight. I may even recrieve ice cream if I keep cwying. Oh yeah.
• PREACHER does a weird gesticulating motion of celebration.
• NARRATOR: Well just crush all my hope again why don’t you.
• PREACHER begins to march off offstage but then pauses, gives the audience a devious smile and then begins limping offstage while sobbing.
• NARRATOR: Well at least emotional intellegence is not a problem here. He seems a bit mature for his age a bit too mature. Damn is the ability to lie an indication of maturity?
• MOTHER LAURENE enters with PREACHER following, his head down.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Tell me the truth did you have anything to do with your Grandpa’s computer crashing?
• PREACHER: It twas cousin Eb’ny. I prawmise. Ask her. I hope grandpa doesn’t give us a whoopin’.
• MOTHER LAURENE: He’s not gonna whoop you. But you are the older cousin. You need to watch her and make sure she doesn’t mess up things like that.
• PREACHER: Yes mamn.
• MOTHER LAURENE walks off again.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Ebony!
• PREACHER: But I like alweady watch her. I watched her download the virus. I even told her the website. But it’s not my fault she did it. It was jus’ a suggestion. Am I my cousin’s keeper?
• NARRATOR: You are rapidly becoming extremely unlikable.
• MOTHER LAURENE and AUNT, and older woman wearing a clean suit jacket but not the best wig, bring out seats and a table and sit down while PREACHER hides behind a set piece.
• NARRATOR: Anywho this was child who didn’t hang much around peers. Instead, he focused on learning everything he could from teachers, books, and adult sources in general.
• AUNT: And girl I’m telling you, just cause a flight is cheap doesn’t mean you can just hop on it.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Yep sometimes those are the time when you do not one be anywhere near Houston. The heat is so bad my hair just instantly switches from pressed to a full on afro.
• AUNT: You right, but it’s not just weather. I went to Disneyland once because the prices we’re cheaper at the time, bought me a nice three day experience at one of their hotels think I’m all right. But it was during their Gay Pride week and it was just awful. I was just walking, minding my own business and saw two men kiss in front of me, I swear girl went to a trash can to throw up.
• MOTHER LAURENE: I don’t believe it.
• AUNT: You know I get people just be living any old type of way but it’s Disneyland. Ya’ll aint got to flaunt and force it all over the children like that. I mean WE God-fearing folks want to actually teach our kids some morality and instead of that disgusting whispers shit.
• MOTHER LAURENE: I hear you. Do I hear you. I want my kids to you know play with friends, go outside of this house but it aint like it used to be. Not like when we we're coming up.
• AUNT: Uh uh.
• MOTHER LAURENE: You didn’t have to worry about pedophiles, and sex trafficking and all that mess back in the day. And I mean drugs and gangs and stuff are not like they used to but at least we knew where the danger was. We knew which neigborhoods to avoid. But now the dangerous people wear clean shirts and live in nice homes. It doesn’t matter where we move I just don’t feel safe letting the kids out sometimes. Especially my youngest, he just is so curious. So interested in all parts of the world. Wants to know everything. But there are some things he just shouldn't be knowing. I don't care if i'm called strict, or sheltering I'm protecting my house from the world.
• AUNT: I felt the same way. And you know my boys have gotten into mess before. My youngest is alright but my oldest just be giving me hell. Ever since I bailed him out he can’t stay home for nothing. He gets to work cause he know I wouldn’t let him stay otherwise but after that he just…
• MOTHER LAURENE: Hold on, it’s too quiet.
• She does a meerkat-like neck extension.
• Boy if you don’t come out here listening to grown folks conversations.
• PREACHER: Yes, mamn.
• PREACHER reluctantly approaches the table and faces the two adults.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Now how much of that conversation did you listen to?
• PREACHER: Oh well you guys mentioned Disneyland and I kinda thought about that movie Tangled which was really excellent. And then I thought about hoauw you said your cousin went to Cal Arts and I was lookin’ up Cal Arts and it’s sooo cool mom. Like all thuh people who work at Pixar went there. You know the movies like Wall-E and Finding Nemo. And they are so weird and cool and I think I actually want to go to Cal-Arts instead of Yale. But you know it’s just a thought.
• AUNT: Boy you talk too much like an adult to go to that art school. You should be going to Harvard, or better yet Howard university. You know I saw this Facebook page about this young man who started his own business don’t you have a Facebook now?
• PREACHER: Yess-er maam. It was my Birthday gift.
• AUNT: I’m gonna share that with you because you are smart enough to be knowing about your financial future. Do you know how to cash a check?
• PREACHER: No maam.
• AUNT: Aw come on Mr. President. You can’t do me like that. You can’t be the smart guy and not know no common sense. Next time I come down here I’m gonna quiz you. You’re gonna show me how to write a check. Or else I’m gonna get ya. I’m also gonna show you how a 401k works.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Oh leave him alone. He shouldn’t be worrying about retirement plans. Too young for all that. she forces him to hold his head up. But he is old enough to tell me fibs. Now I know you listened to more of our conversation, and I just want you to know, there are a lot of people in this world. And a lot of them don’t know Christ like we do. Now the world out there has some crazy people and as you get older you will slowly meet some of them. Some folk want to go to art school, which there is nothing necessarily wrong with but some folk go there to do stuff besides get a degree. I know you notice already not everybody at school is on your same level of intellect. God has blessed you with a beautiful mind. A gift that warrants a true destiny. But that same mind can easily be corrupted if you don’t guard it and keep yourself steadfast on the most important knowledge you can ever have, of HIS holy Word. Many folk will come and go in your life but you have calling son. You are going to do so many great things for the Kingdom of God. You know that’s what your full name means. Serve God Wholeheartedly. Just keep your mind set on him and don’t be telling lies to me young man, understand?
• PREACHER: Yes maam. I’m sorry.
• AUNT: And don’t say sorry. Sorry folk don’t get nothing in life. You better than sorry. You are a leader like our President.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Don’t mind your crazy Aunt talking about your future. Go on back to play with your toys. We’ll be done talking in a moment.
• AUNT: And read up on that young man’s business. I’ll send you the video. Make sure you watch it.
• PREACHER: Oh I will maam. I most definitely will.
• MOTHER LAURENE and Aunt leave as the spotlight returns to the NARRATOR.
• NARRATOR: He most definitely did not. Lying was another specialty our child picked up. First harmless exaggerations of the truth. Then convenient white lies that prevented trouble. They grew bigger and more elaborate until soon lying was totally casual. It was almost a game of discovering how far he could go before people doubted his miraculous factoids. He once went so far as to convince his Youth pastor his mother had gang ties and had her publicly forgiven for her past sins.
• PREACHER pulls out a flipone and giggle while talking on it.
• PREACHER: It wasn’t public public, just the head pastors and the praise team she was on. No they didn't kick us out the church. Yes I did get a bit of punishment in the area of the buttocks. But it was worth it ok.
• PREACHER puts up phone and moves to downstage left corner.
• NARRATOR: But some tactics don’t work so well among strangers as they do with family and close friends. School proved to be a challenging terrain where power, and popularity required more than just having brains.
• Two bully archetype CHORUS members come in from stage right while one puts a large trash can on stage right. PREACHER steps back to center putting up fists.
• PREACHER: Ya’ll think I’m soft huh! I’ll kill you. No I’ll emasc-uh-late you. I’ll expunge your entire bloodline.
• Chorus members hold PREACHER up by the arms and begin to carry him backwards.
• CHORUS Member: Yeah tell it to the janitor.
• PREACHER: I’ll inject you with rabies and watch you slwoley lose muscle control. I’ll bleach your …
• They dump PREACHER headfirst into a trashcan and walk off stage left. PREACHER struggles to turn right side up but then gives up.
• TALL GEEK OFFSTAGE: It’s a sniper get down!
• Suddenly a slightly nerdy, slightly emo male student, WAYNE jumps into frame knocking the trash can over.
• WAYNE: Haha not today loser. Booyah!
• BANG
• WAYNE: Woah man, sorry. I didn’t notice you in there.
• PREACHER mumbling : I’ll scalp you and drink your spinal fluid, like the Attakapans people…
• WAYNE: Dude chill out. You just got dumpster jumped. Beat Yo aren’t you in my class?
• PREACHER: As a matter of fact I am indeed.
• TALL GEEK, a tall basic white guy with at least a decent chin, comes stumbling in out of breath from stage right.
• TALL GEEK: Yo why are you talking to PREACHER? And why does he have trash in his hair?
• WAYNE: You know him?
• PREACHER: We went to church together, for a short time.
• TALL GEEK: I just went to church. This dude was half teaching it. He talks like you crossed Barack Obama with Joel Olsteen and Bill Nye. I told you about him I think.
• PREACHER: That is a slight overstatement, but I appreciate the compliment. I just know facts and stuff.
• WAYNE: Really? You know the two of us are on this Quizbowl team and we needed another player. If you know facts you might be a good fit.
• TALL GEEK: But only if you’re cool hanging with the geeks. We don’t do gangster stuff and we can’t protect you from older kids.
• WAYNE: But our parents can write to the school board and get kids kicked out so it has it’s perks.
• PREACHER: Sure I mean I’ll join the team! I’ve never done anything like that but I sometimes win against the contestants when I watch jeopardy.
• WAYNE: Now I can’t just bring you on the team. You have to try out and everything.
• TALL GEEK: And the Coach is an uptight bitch.
• PREACHER: Woah. I mean she must be bad, but you cursed her. That’s rough.
• TALL GEEK: Cursed her? Giggles.
• WAYNE: Yeah he’ll be good for the team. What’s your name dude?
• PREACHER: C****** but I guess you can call me PREACHER, there’s like 4 other kids at this school with my name.
• WAYNE: Alright Preacher. My name’s Wayne and I guess I’ll see you tomorrow in homeroom.
• PREACHER: Yeah catch you later.
• WAYNE begins to leave but then does a double take.
• WAYNE: Wait I think I remember you. Didn't you get hit in face by that girl back at Richardson Elementary?
• PREACHER: Oh no, that was Greg, we favor each other a bit.
• WAYNE: Oh ok. See ya.
• Wayne and Tall Geek ad lib and try tackling each other while running off stage left.
• PREACHER: Wow, a nickname. A real nickname. Hmmph.
• PREACHER smiles and walks off stage right. NARRATOR returns to center stage with a stack of cards in her hand.
• NARRATOR: Greg did not fucking exist but lying goes a long ways doesn't it. And so somehow having brains solved his problem with school as well? Ok something's wrong. Who is writing these que cards? This script is wack.
• NARRATOR tosses the cards and CHORUS members hurry on stage to sweep up the cards.
• Anyway off script there’s one place where brains did not guarantee success. With the girls. This poor dude had a new crush every week. And each time his charades became more desperate and unhinged. Jaleeah was the first, but many more followed. His idea of flirting was not terrible. He merely stated he would die if he parted with her, then non-consensually kissed her on the cheek. This led to a very one sided fight in which he was suspended for the only time in his primary school life. Later he goes to the Regional Science Fair with this girl named Mia but when she rejects him he tears apart his board and is kicked out the arena. E***** was a non-starter. Hope turned out to be his cousin. Trinity was an atheist and he desperately tried to convert her. Harmony kept talking about bathing in blood with him. One girl had racist parents. One was racist herself. Another moved to Glenbrook and one he just kinda pitied after a while. Oh and then there was me.
• A low drum beat starts
• NARRATOR: Oh shit, the drums have already started. Btw, audience, that’s the signifier that the scene is ending. I gotta go get dressed. Bye!
• Narrator runs off screen. MOTHER LAURENE enters from stage left.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Oh Lord in heaven, I ask that you protect my son. I know you have so many plans for his life and though I love him much he is yours to have. I simply pray that you give me the wisdom to guide him in your will. I know I can never fill the gap his father has left, but I know you can. Whether he does Art, politics, science, or ministry, I declare that you he will use his skills and intellect to serve you Lord. Give him revelation knowledge of your word and keep him on the narrow path of righteousness. Amen.
• Lights Darken. Drums end.

Setting: A youth church room with many CHORUS members standing from center stage to stage right included in this crowd is SISTER M wearing a white dress. The Spotlight opens to PREACHER in a white button shirt and jeans at downstage right on a small stool holding a Bible the size of his head.

• PREACHER: In conclusion King Saul was a proper ruler and understood how to rule over the Israelites as a popular and competent King. His choices, reverses, and compromises ensured that the people would consistently respect his role as leader. However, God did not appoint King Saul to be sovereign decision-maker over the Israelites. He was rather a facilitator, a human ambassador of the true King of the Israelites, The I Am, Jaweh. When Solomon offered sacrifices or spared foreign enemies he did so for his own personal success as a ruler rather than in obedience and subservience to his ruler, God. As consequence he was rejected and the tale of Saul’s life following his rejection is reflects growing pride, jealousy, and paranoia over losing the grace of God and eventually that of the people. The moral lesson of Saul’s tragic life is as his mentor Samuel states in verse 17, “Obedience is better than sacrifice.” One’s successes, victories, and wisdoms are all meaningless if they do not follow in the exact will of our one true God. Though many are the plans in a man’s heart, only His true will prevails. We must constantly investigate ourselves that our actions, no matter their intention or outward virtue, align with the will of God’s word and revelation through the Holy Spirit. Thank you. Now Pastor Elizabeth will lead us in prayer.
• Long Beat. Preacher joins the small children’s congregation. All assume a prayer position but Sister M leans over and whispers into Preacher’s ear.
• SISTER M: Good job. Your eloquent musings were so peacefully droning I began to dream we were in big Church.
• PREACHER: Oh you give me too much credit. Plus at least I remembered the scriptures unlike some unnamed people.
• SISTER M: Oh Brother Anthony wasn’t that bad give him a break.
• PREACHER: I mean come on, mixing up John the Apostle and John the Baptist. You’re sounding like a Mainliner.
• The congregation all say Amen and slowly scatter.
• PREACHER and SISTER M: Amen.
• SISTER M: Oh looky here it’s the King Saul of Children’s church, that blessed soul who can quote any verse and sing the Psalms backwards.
• PREACHER: Oh come on.
• SISTER M: But alas his fatal flaw was his hubris. He believed he was smarter than anyone in the entire southern United States.
• PREACHER: That’s not, even, a good mockery.
• SISTER M: in a mocking tone Actually that would be King Solomon, because he was thuhhh um wise one who read all the scwiptures, and had all the ladies because he was totally awesome and cool like me ahem.
• PREACHER: Ooh, Is this the new hip addition to CollegeHumor because I’m just rolling out of my Sunday best.
• SISTER M: OH MY GOSH! I love them. Did you see their newest video. The one about roommates that just came out.
• PREACHER: Sister. I am the one with the ALL the knowledges of ALL things related to YouTube. I’ve seen all their videos.
• SISTER: You seem to have all the knowledge but you still haven’t watched that video essay I sent you, what was it, 2 weeks ago?
• PREACHER: Fun fact, miss ye of little faith. I did watch the video and my conclusion is that they still all suck.
• SISTER M: Seriously?
• PREACHER: Nial, Harry, Lame and the rest of them are not cute, not funny, and certainly not 'creative geniuses.' Having 4 nipples is pretty cool but not enough to save the whole band’s boredom. It’s not my fault you have a thing for teenage boys who use falsetto and sparse lyric writing to make you feel like they are singing to you, specifically and not the million of other preteen girls who listen to them.
• SISTER M: If you can rip on my love for boybands I get to bring back up your obsession with kids movies.
• PREACHER: Oh please there are mature adults who flock in numbers to every new Disney film and proudly wear mouse ears wherever they go. I am ahead of curve.
• SISTER M: We watched a Tinker Bell movie for your birthday. You’re not ahead of the curve. You are the curve. Curvy.
• PREACHER: Secret of the Wings was a cinematic masterpiece don’t you dare slander that piece of art. It was the best one since the original. Also curvy?
• SISTER M: You mentioned a 2 day plan for your Birthday this year. It better not involve going to see a Disney movie. Especially not that one that comes out in Decemeber, uh, Frozen.
• Beat as PREACHER looks at the floor.
• SISTER M: Are you serious? I don’t think I can come this year.
• PREACHER: Wait but we’re getting some food and then the next uh day, we’re going roller-skating afterwards you have to come. We can then go to Six flags, or one of your concert things or just hang out or see another movie. And then. Please, please. You’re my best friend in the whole world I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t at my birthday party.
• PREACHER stars shedding tears.
• SISTER M: Oh come on can you take any amount of sarcasm? Exaggeration? I’m coming jeez.
• PREACHER: Really? You mean it? Oh yes oh yes thank you!
• SISTER M: Why are trying to do so much on your birthday anyway? That’s so close to Christmas you always have a hard time inviting anyone.
• PREACHER: It’s the only time mom let’s me go anywhere that isn’t school or church. My entire life is experienced in 6 or 7 buildings total. 4 of those are grocery stores. This is my chance to do the whole childhood experience. Or teen experience for that matter. Hang out with friends. Do you know I’ve never had a sleepover before. I mean how sucky is that to never experience a pillow fight or tell creepypastas until one kid gets too scared to turn the lights off?
• SISTER M: Boy sleepovers don’t have pillow fights.
• PREACHER: Sure, that’s not the norm. But when have I been anything but normal? Plus, I’m sure all guys do pillow fights and they just don’t say anything because that seems to girly.
• SISTER M: You have never been to one and therefore have no evidence to support your claim making it irrelevant.
• PREACHER: I see you appreciate my vigilance in upholding logical thought, even if that appreciation is sarcastic.
• Beat
• SISTER M: I think you’re gay.
• PREACHER: Come again.
• SISTER M: You’re gay.
• PREACHER: Um No?
• SISTER M: Yes, you’re gay and you dislike 1D because you don’t want to get exposed for liking girly things.
• PREACHER: I hate 1D because they suck, and their music is annoying. And I am not gay. Like no.
• SISTER M: But you don’t talk like straight people. And you like, like watch Nat Geo instead of Football.
• PREACHER: That doesn’t make me Gay it just makes me intelli.. beat It just makes me more academic than social.
• SISTER M: But how do you know you’re straight?
• PREACHER: Um I like girls and not boys.
• SISTER M: But you’re not even a teenager. You haven’t gone through puberty and stuff and figured out yourself. You might be gay by the time you’re 18. You don’t know you’re not gay.
• Beat
• PREACHER: Ok but still, I know myself and I’m not gay.
• SISTER M: Oh I see you’re like your friend Wayne. Pimp Named Slipback who’s gets all the girls. Or like that tall dude Raymond who acts all weird around girls and hugs people too much.
• PREACHER: Ok no I am not going to be like Raymond! That dude is a total creep. And Wayne he’s not so bad but he’s his own thing. You know me, I’m a geek and I hang out with the other geeks at school. No, I’m not gay but I’m also not a creep like those teenage boys. I’m not scary. I’m me. The Preacher. The Prophet Samuel of Children’s church. I’m more mature than those weird dudes and I’m NEVER going to be like them. Frankly I am a unique soul. Me thinks I’ll just somehow just skip being a teenage boy. Yeah I will never be a teenage boy. I believe God will pick me up on my 13th birthday carry me over and drop me off when I’m 18 an adult, like uh Ezekiel except I’ll be back I won’t just be dead. You know, skip all that weird puberty stuff as you call it. And through all the years I will NEVER find Harry Styles hot.
• MOTHER LAURENE offstage: Boy if you don’t hurry on downstairs and get in this car I am driving off!
• PREACHER: Oh shoot she actually left last time I gotta go. But never, not in a million years.
• SISTER M: Ok whatever Preacher.
• PREACHER begins walking off stage left
• PREACHER: And I finally downloaded Kik again. You can message me on there cause mom keeps asking to check my text messages.
• SISTER M: Ok talk to you later.
• Long Beat as chorus join on stage Sister M who is downstage center.
• SISTER M/NARRATOR: For those younger members of the audience as well as some older Kik was a messaging platform popular during this time with preteens and was primarily used for, sharing games, posting memes, roleplay, evading parental controls, fandom building and most importantly…

• Chorus: Grooming children.

• NARRATOR: The internet was only partially a mistake. Many children found new friends, joined communities, learned about the world, and had great experiences all because of the interent. In the unfortunate case of our sub-protagonist this wealth of infinite forbidden knowledge and extremely morbid curiosity led to the dear Preacher acquiring a penchant for consuming and creating…

• Chorus: Niche Erotic literature.

• NARRATOR: And normal online literature. That too.
• Drums. Lights Blacken.

Setting: A school cafeteria. At stage center, offset to the right is a table with benches around it. PREACHER, WAYNE, and TALL GEEK are joined by SHORT GEEK a jovial fellow with very messy hair. SHORT GEEK is building an elaborate tower using food items like fries and burger patties which takes his visual attention during most of the conversation.

• PREACHER: The oozing liquid now turned blue and black with mold and permeated every crevice of the room. The last freckle of psyche that once belonged to dear Justin recognized the horror of his now eternal existence. An abomination. A creature whose outward disgust reflected it’s own internal lustful shame. And that tiny ghost of a consciousness screamed. Justin screamed. He, no, It screamed as it’s mortal prison moaned in sweet masochistic ecstasy.
• Beat
• WAYNE: Why would you wait until lunch to read that.
• TALL GEEK: That was disgusting.
• SHORT GEEK: I don’t know it was a solid 8/10. Would listen to it again. Plus didn’t just make that up on the spot.
• PREACHER: I got some inspiration but yeah I mostly just made it up as I went along.
• WAYNE: Geez that’s about as bad as Running the Guantlet
• SHORT GEEK: What’s Running the Guantlet.
• PREACHER: You don’t even want to know.
• WAYNE: I wish Ms. Moore would slip and fall on a cursed dildo.
• TALL GEEK: Yeah poor Justin doesn’t deserve it as much as her. Next time you write a story Preach, write it about her.
• Two geeks, both female enter stage left and approach the table with their trays.
• SMART GEEK: Hey team.
• LAZY GEEK: Sup dudes, beat Wayne.
• WAYNE: A pleasure you, beat well both of you, decided to join the guys table today.
• LAZY GEEK: Pleasure is all mine.
• SMART GEEK: Well its time to get serious Ms. Bader told me to wait so she could tell ya’ll but this is too important for delay.
• LAZY GEEK and SMART GEEK take a seat opposite to the guys.
• SHORT GEEK: Hey, don’t bump the table.
• PREACHER: So what’s up?
• SMART GEEK: Well it’s no surprise but you’re team captain again with Wayne as your second command.
• PREACHER and WAYNE do a dramatic high five.
• SHORT GEEK: Don’t bump the table!
• SMART GEEK: I’m on math problems, the architect is on art history.
• SHORT GEEK: Aww shucks and I really wanted to study sports history this year. I heard baseball is like more interesting than usual this season.
• LAZY GEEK: And I’m still the Quizbowl mascot.
• PREACHER: There’s nothing wrong with being an alternate. Ya’ll remember I was my first year on the team.
• TALL GEEK: But unlike Ms. Couch Potato, Preach, you’re a walking encyclopedia.
• SMART GEEK: Ok rude.
• LAZY GEEK: Nah he’s right.
• WAYNE: Yo shut up dude you’re not even on the team. You are not the expert on who works hard or, soft.
• SHORT GEEK: How does one work soft?
• PREACHER: Ok everyone shut up except E****a. You wouldn’t be at this table just to tell us normal team assignments. What else is up?
• SMART GEEK: So you know how Ms. Bader has been talking about her job at Glenbrook?
• WAYNE: Yeah, she said she might move after this year.
• SMART GEEK: Well it’s confirmed she’s leaving.
• All sigh
• SMART GEEK: And guess who’s replacing her for next year as Quizbowl coach?
• PREACHER: Well all the men are too stupid and usually the history teacher gets that job so, Wait No!
• SMART GEEK: Yes. Ms. Moore.
• WAYNE: No fucking way. She hates children.
• PREACHER: Especially Black Children!!!!
• WAYNE: She could wreck the whole team. We are top in North Louisiana right now.
• PREACHER: She has actively targeted us in class, and she was just a substitute.
• SMART GEEK: I know but the Vice Principal already talked to the two of them about transitioning roles.
• PREACHER: Can’t we talk to the actual Principal.
• TALL GEEK: Preach come on, WE both know she won’t do anything. Especially when it’s our word against the teacher’s.
• PREACHER: Man this is fucked up.
• SHORT GEEK: Woah, Preacher man is cursing. We’re in hot water now.
• SMART GEEK and LAZY GEEK get up from the table to leave bumping the table. SHORT GEEK tries to stop it but the tower falls.
• TALL GEEK: Wait where are ya’ll going.
• SMART GEEK: I told ya’ll what I needed to say and we’re going to eat and talk with our actual friends.
• TALL GEEK: That’s hurtful. You hurt my feelings.
• SMART GEEK: Oh hush we can hang out at Book Club tomorrow.
• TALL GEEK: Oh yeah, I guess I’ll see you then.
• PREACHER: Wait he goes to book club? When was that a thing?
• SMART GEEK: Yeah duh, we’ve been going there before you even joined.
• TALL GEEK: Preach goes to book club? Why did you never mention that?
• SMART GEEK: If either of ya’ll went to meetings consistently you might have run into one another. Bye.
• SHORT GEEK preoccupied with rebuilding the structure: Bye ya’ll.
• LAZY GEEK: Bye Wayne.
• WAYNE: We’ll talk later. Don’t worry.
• Beat.
• PREACHER: So you like books now?
• TALL GEEK: Yeah, I was gonna ask you the same question.
• PREACHER: Well not everyone is called, and I quote a walking encyclopedia.
• Wayne pulls out a popcorn bag from underneath the table and start snacking while staring intently.
• TALL GEEK: No sure you’re the academic wizard. Quizbowl Captain for the third year in a row. I just thought your taste in literature we’re a bit more, how do I say this, particular.
• SHORT GEEK is no longer focused on structure and starts getting popcorn from WAYNE’S bag who shares it freely.
• PREACHER: Oh I have a many talents. Talents that are utilized for different situation for different purposes. Unlike some who seem to believe just a strong jawline can make up for bad hair, bad clothes and really bad communication skills.
• TALL GEEK: You know you are very talented Preach, especially at storytelling. I’m surprised you’ve never mentioned your skills or shown your work at Book Club.
• PREACHER: I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned your parents sell stolen car engines.
• TALL GEEK: Well that’s at least something we have in common, hardworking parents. Oh, wait I’m sorry, actually rather the singular parent in your case.
• PREACHER: Strangely enough we both are on the same programs, but you have two parents pulling in income. It almost as if there is a lackluster gene in your bloodline.
• Short Geek starts patting Tall Geek’s side.
• TALL GEEK: You really want to go there?
• PREACHER: You know what I’m not even doing this. Your banter is below my par. I’d have to lower myself even to argue with a being so lowly.
• Short Geek intensifies patting.
• TALL GEEK: You know what after 4th quarter let’s meet on the green and see how low your par really is to my fist.
• SHORT GEEK: Yo.
• TALL GEEK: What!
• SHORT GEEK: We gotta get changed for gym. Coach Bailey has us doing suicides at the bell cause of last week.
• TALL GEEK: Shit, yeah we pissed her off. We’re not finished PREACH.
• PREACHER: Go on, we shall be gentlemen for the time being. Especially since we have Book Club tomorrow.
• TALL GEEK: So we shall.
• PREACHER: Yep.
• TALL GEEK: Ok then.
• PREACHER: Best wishes.
• TALL GEEK: See you tomorrow.
• PREACHER: Not if we see each other next quarter.
• TALL GEEK: See you then. And then later.
• PREACHER: See you in a few.
• The two improv increasingly ridiculous salutations as TALL GEEK backs away off stage right with SHORT GEEK.
• PREACHER: Well I accept your dear wishes and resend my own best of wishes until that moment in the future which we shall meet again which will be in a only a few minutes but also in a few hours in which we shall act as utmost gentlemen in a house dedicated to letters of sorts. I do hope that your travels for our first rendez vous and second rendez vous are equally peaceful and bring you the most…
• WAYNE: Damn bro. She got ya’ll hooked bad!
• PREACHER: Oh, please he’s the one who doesn’t know a thing about literature. I am there to read good books and hang with good friends.
• WAYNE: Dude shut up. You are head over hills. Wait does that mean Preach is two girls now? You old playa.
• PREACHER: Me, a playa? You have me mistaken with someone else. I wonder who, oh it’s actually you. I saw what you and K*****y we’re doing just now. Ya’ll couldn’t take your eyes off each other and yet you are suppposedly bound for life with Harmony.
• WAYNE: See Preach you don’t even know what you’re talking about me and Harmony broke up.
• PREACHER: You two broke up? I once said if ya’ll break up then love is dead. Ya’ll got promise rings and everything.
• WAYNE: Man it aint that simple, she’s into that satanism and stuff and my parents weren’t having it. But this aint even about me. Are you still planning that Operation Quiet Night thing?
• PREACHER: Silent Night and there is no operation. That was just a dumb joke. But I am gonna still ask her out.
• WAYNE: Dude I have experience with women, listen to my advice. You cannot pull her.
• PREACHER: I don’t need to 'pull' her. We're best friends already. I’m just gonna tell her how I feel about our friendship. And how we could be more than that.
• WAYNE: While competing for E*****a at Book club.
• PREACHER: That is a strategic partnership. We three are the only students really in any competition for class valedictorian. Though awards and recognition are nice, at the end of the day that isn’t what matters most. We are more powerful as a unit than as three competitors. Me and you are already best buds but she’s constantly competing politically with us. We need her on our team, not just Quizbowl, but life team. She’s a perfect complement to my chaotic nerdiness as I am a complement to your swagger intellect. Sure she’s annoying sometimes but the newspapers and social media would just eat up Mr. and Ms. President actually as a couple.
• WAYNE: Why are you always talking about some life team, and life plan? Guys don’t date girls to win student council elections. That college application stuff has you acting weirder than normal. It’s really not that important.
• PREACHER: But see that mindset makes geniuses like us get blindsided by real life and burnout. Apart we can’t do that much but as three motivated students united, well we can beat the rich kids. That’s how we can do stuff like form businesses or charities. Do summer research. The stuff that’s gonna get us into Ivy Leagues. If this works out the three of us would be unstoppable. E****a is all about public appearance, strategy. Sister M is personal.
• WAYNE: And what happens when neither of them want be more than friends?
• PREACHER: E****a is a long shot I admit but as long as we become closer friends then my plan still works. Sister M, I really care about. I want us to be a thing. But if she friendzones me well, I’ll take it easy. Beat Now, I am heading to gym because I just remembered I may have also been assigned suicides after last week and so I’m zooming off, ok bye.
• Preacher hurriedly rushes off first the wrong direction and then off stage right.
• WAYNE: Bye Preach. Beat There’s no way she’d beat me out for valedictorian. No way. Probably.
• Lights darken, Drums beat.

Setting: Interior of a home on the lit stage right. In shadow, stage left is a forest scene. MOTHER LAURNE is facing offstage right with PREACHER behind her.

• MOTHER LAURENE: Well thank you all so much for bringing them along. I know my son was overjoyed they could make it.
• PREACHER: Mom come on you’ve said goodbye like six times already they get the point. They want to leave now, see how quick they got in the car, in just the moment it took for you to turn around?
• MOTHER LAURENE: You can handle your friends and I’ll handle your friend’s parents. You know people like to be thanked for taking time out of their day especially around the holidays. Plus, I know you just want me to leave so you can hang out with your best friend and your lil lady.
• PREACHER: I beg of you. Grant me this one Christmas gift. Promise to never, ever, refer to anyone I know as ‘ little lady.’ It’s just not cool. Just not cool mom.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Not cool? Since when was mommy not cool. You know what maybe we need to delay you turning 13 until perhaps next year. You’re too young to be a teenager. Oh goodness my baby boy is a teenager. That doesn’t even sound real. I still remember when we came here to Louisiana and you were in my arms. Now you’re off courting young ladies…
• PREACHER: Mom I love you. I am still your kid no matter how old I get. And I need to you go home now. I’m staying one more night with Wayne. I will see you in the morning, when you come to pick me up.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Are you throwing mommy out?
• PREACHER: No but I will hold your hand to the car if you need support.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Fine but make sure your phone is charged.
• PREACHER: Yes maam.
• MOTHER LAURENE: And don’t hesitate to call me about anything. I mean anything.
• PREACHER: Yes mamm.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Oh and don’t stay up all night with Wayne I know ya’ll wanna hang out but I need you to be alert tomorrow we still have decorations to put up.
• PREACHER: We won’t be up too late I promise.
• PREACHER leads MOTHER LAURENE off stage right while continuing conversation.
• MOTHER LAURENE: And make sure to pray before you go to bed.
• PREACHER off stage : That is something that I always do but I certainly will be sure to tonight.
• PREACHER returns from offstage right.
• MOTHER LAURENE: And don’t mumble when talking to little miss M. She’s a strong willed girl you can’t show any weakness now.
• PREACHER: We are just best friends but sure Mom.
• MOTHER LAURENE: And put toilet paper on the toilet bowls, you don’t know who used it before you.
• PREACHER: What was that Mom I didn’t hear…
• PREACHER closes door.
• PREACHER: Ok that’s done. Showtime.
• PREACHER begins collecting items in a backpack including a very long and well wound bundle of rope. Lights dim as the chorus rearranges the setting to a dense forest with thin path and clearing at back stage center left. PREACHER exits stage right as lights return with SISTER M and WAYNE entering stage right.
• SISTER M: Are you sure it’s safe out here?
• WAYNE: Considering I’ve only been here once I’d say, nah.
• SISTER M: So you and Preach are like whole bromance?
• WAYNE: Oh yeah we’re ride or die. He’s mentioned you a couple times but he doesn’t really talk about people. He just spouts facts. Which I discovered are sometimes quite unreliable.
• SISTER M: Oh, that’s for sure. He once convinced me that drinking water bottles and eating McDonalds chicken makes you grow taller. Yet he doesn’t eat McDonalds.
• WAYNE: Weird dude.
• PREACHER runs in from stage left out of breath carrying a backpack.
• WAYNE: Yo if it isn’t Black Santa with his magnificent bag of toys. Short beat Wait uh I don’t know if that offended you I’m sorry we joke around I’m Cracker Jack he’s Bootleg Obama we just crack at each other.
• SISTER M: It’s fine I’m more worried about Preach. You got any oxygen down there.
• PREACHER: short breathed It’s just supplies I had to bring it out cause I’m the funky nerd who stays prepared. Hoohoohee.
• WAYNE: Whatever let’s find my Dad’s deer stand it’s only a few miles up ahead.
• PREACHER: A few miles? I mean I’ve done my woods exploring but I don’t know this area.
• WAYNE: I do so let’s go.
• SISTER M: Holy shit is that a snake?
• Both WAYNE and PREACHER jump in fear.
• SISTER M: And that confirms I’m not going any farther into this forest with ya’ll two. Put up the pinata thing and then lets head back to the house. I think the mosquitoes are coming out.
• PREACHER and WAYNE: Fine.
• PREACHER sets down back pack and pulls out a stuffed animal with pieces of paper haphazardly glued around it.
• SISTER M: What is that? That is not a pinata.
• WAYNE: Well we couldn’t really afford a real pinata especially at a last minute notice so we just improvised.
• SISTER M: Improvised?! You told me about your pinata plan two months ago PREACH. This is ghetto as shit.
• Wayne grabs a short and twisted rope from behind a tree stump. He climbs up and hangs it on a low branch and begins tying the “pinata” to the rope. PREACHER picks up a sturdy branch and breaks off twigs on it and practices swinging it.
• SISTER M: I will not participate in this foolish and quite disheartening charade.
• PREACHER: But you will. I mean you promised. It’s my birthday and I just wanna celebrate by goofing off with my two best friends in the whole world. Can you just entertain the stupidity of it for just a moment? Pinata is a game of trust. I trust ya’ll and ya’ll trust me so we should win it pretty quickly.
• SISTER M: Ok, fine Preach. It’s your day. So let’s celebrate it your way.
• PREACHER: Yeah, that’s the spirit. Oh Wayne don’t swing yet, you gotta wear a blindfold.
• Preacher pulls out two bandanas from the backpack handing them to Sister M and Wayne.
• PREACHER: Ok Wayne, don’t follow the sound of my voice follow my instructions. Remember it’s a game of trust.
• WAYNE: Oh forget that Preach. Imma echolocate this bitch. Let’s knock all the nonexistent candy out of this thing. Cowabunga!
• WAYNE launches the stick far out into the audience. It hits the head of an elderly patron killing her immediately. Chorus promptly runs out and replaces the stick in Wayne’s hand.
• PREACHER: I’m gonna go on a hunch and say you missed.
• WAYNE: Hardy har let’s see you try.
• WAYNE hands PREACHER his bandana and PREACHER puts it on WAYNE hands over the stick.
• SISTER M: Ok a little to the left.
• WAYNE: Yeah, and move forward.
• SISTER M: Aaaaaaand stop.
• WAYNE: No come on keep it coming.
• SISTER M: No don’t listen to that idiot you were fine before, back up.
• WAYNE: Dude, bros before hoes you gotta take a few steps to the right.
• PREACHER: Alright!
• Preacher misses the teddy bear but smacks a page loose by just skimming past.
• WAYNE: Loser, Loser. It looks like we got an Epic Fail here folks.
• PREACHER: Well I got closer than you see that page there. That is sweet victory.
• SISTER M: Ok my turn.
• SISTER M carefully eyeballs her position before putting on the bandana then proceeds straight forward and softly bonk the teddy bear on the nose.
• WAYNE: Well, that’s just cheating she didn’t even turn around or nothing.
• PREACHER: Hey we still got a chance she gave it a love tap. Hey remember this is a stand in for a pinata. Pinatas are hard and take like effort to break.
• A ringing sound begins and Wayne takes out his phone to answer.
• SISTER M: Unlike ya’ll I do not desire wanton destruction so much as to neglect safety hazard of swinging a poorly ergonomic branch while visually impaired.
• WAYNE on phone : Nah Babe, there are no other ‘girl’ girls over here. It’s just me Preach and his other friend. Well she’s just a friend of his. No it’s not like that. No please, just let me explain for a moment.
• WAYNE: Sorry guys I gotta take a call I’ll be back in a bit.
• Wayne hurries off stage left ad libbing a difficult conversation on his phone.
• SISTER M: I guess that means it’s your turn again.
• PREACHER: Actually, I’ll give you one more chance but this time you have to turn around so you don’t know where you’re going.
• SISTER M: Ok
• SISTER M puts on the bandana, grabs the stick and spins around as PREACHER sneaks behind to stage left of her.
• PREACHER: Ok just turn a little counterclockwise. Then move forward. A little more to your left. Yeah, that’s right just follow my voice you’re almost lined up perfectly.
• PREACHER guides SISTER M farther stage left and into the clearing before approaching uncomfortably close in front of her.
• PREACHER: Now hand me the branch.
• SISTER M: Ok so we’re just off book now.
• PREACHER: You could say that now take off your blindfold. Beat Hey.
• SISTER M: Hey?
• PREACHER: You know I’ve never really noticed how your eyes change color in sunlight. Usually grey but right now they are a light brown. It’s probably because we only talk while under artificial light in church.
• SISTER M: Yeah, probably so.
• SISTER M giggles and begins moving away. PREACHER swats at his arms and begins mumbling.
• PREACHER: Stupid little mosquitoes.
• SISTER M: Hmm?
• PREACHER: I’m going to move out of this place. I mean the south in general. Too much heat, too many mosquitoes, too many confederate flags, and way too many waffle houses. Just one is too many to exist in this country.
• SISTER M: Aww, but I kinda like Awful house.
• PREACHER: And I can do it too. I can make it out of here. I’ll move to Hollywood and be a hippie and live in my car and I won’t have money but I’ve never had money. I’ll have happiness and peace that I’ll be free. Free from these..
• PREACHER grabs a hanging vine and wraps it around his wrist.
• PREACHER: From these floral chains. And sinking mud. And this mess but like really should I?
• SISTER M: I sure can’t answer that for you.
• PREACHER: No, I mean it’s rhetorical, almost It’s like um. What is that if you can’t share it? Right I mean cars get lonely and California that’s like far I mean it’s my home but I’ve barely even lived there and didn’t you say you wanted to be a travelling nurse. Travelling nurses go everywhere right?
• SISTER M: Um yeah, I wanna be a travelling nurse.
• PREACHER: So you get it, like um, I want to not not make the wrong choice without having the basic foundation stuff like family and kids. But like that’s not even a problem really, I don’t want kids or anything. Especially not in the future, like near far future, like I have to have money and a house and like but. No I’m off topic what I wanted to say was that you know partners are great and Wayne is awesome and one of my best friends and I can’t just not see how we are so cool like me and Wayne except like we’re closer and stuff.
• SISTER M: Uh huh.
• PREACHER: And I don’t want to sound embarrassing, but like I already do and it’s not normal for me to even talk like this my zone of topics is like marine biology, or astrophysics, or U.S. history. I don’t even know how to say but You are cool and I want to be so good friends with you that like sometimes you intimidate me cause I’m like we’re so close but like we’re just that close and I don’t want to seem like I’m standoffish. Because everybody knows I’m extroverted and all I mean sometimes I’m too obnoxious I just can’t help especially when you’re around I just get so loud and say dumb things and it’s not like when you’re not around all I say is smart things, I don’t want to sound you know like a braggart or anything…
• SISTER M: Do you like me?
• PREACHER: but um, well Yeah I mean that should be obvious we’re best of friends I mean some people like like each other and I’m not saying that should be obvious I mean it’s not like a weird thing to like a best friend I mean maybe a little but…
• SISTER M steps closer to PREACHER
• SISTER M: Are you asking me out Preach?
• PREACHER: Yes?
• SISTER M giggles. PREACHER begins frowing.
• SISTER M: Huh. I’m not laughing at you it’s just cute.
• Beat
• SISTER M: You are by far one of my best friends. We do and talk about literally everything together. I know you can’t make any words out but I know what you mean and I like that. I like that you can describe the motion of planets but can’t ask for help opening a jar. It’s annoying, sometimes, but it’s you. Of-course we are close and I understand why you’re blushing so hard right now.
• PREACHER: I’m darker than you. You can’t see me blushing.
• SISTER M: You, are blushing. And honestly I am a little too. We will always be cool and tight as ever Preach. But I don’t have a crush on you. We’re like siblings. I mean it’s not like you aren’t cool enough or manly enough. It’s just not a thing. I know you don’t want to hear that but I can’t lie to you. That wouldn’t be fair. I like you, as a friend and I hope we can still like each other as best of friends and share PewDiePie videos with each other and pick out which newborns will be nerds or jocks in high school. You know our stuff.
• Beat
• PREACHER: Yeah our stuff. That’s cool. I mean yeah cool obviously.
• SISTER M: Really? I mean it’s your birthday and all I don’t want to let you down but that’s just the truth about us. You understand right?
• PREACHER: Yeah no I get it. Sarcastically I get that you only like lightskins.
• SISTER M: Oh my goodness this again.
• PREACHER: Yep it’s good ole racism hurting me again. Such a shame, a traitor to your own race. Don’t you know anything about the one drop rule?
• SISTER M also sarcastic : Oh alas my dear friend I apologize but you are simply too, urban, for my taste.
• PREACHER: Yeah you just don’t like me cause I’m a nappy head who can’t even do a layup. Haha.
• Beat.
• SISTER M: Ok I have like four bites already I’m headed back to the house.
• PREACHER: Wait! Um, uh. One more thing before we head in.
• SISTER M: Sure but it better be quick I’m itching.
• PREACHER: You have to put on your blindfold first.
• SISTER M: I am not hitting that poor teddy bear.
• PREACHER: No you don’t have to hit anything just stay still for a moment.
• PREACHER retrieves the clean well wound rope from the backpack and begins tying it around a tree and then around SISTER M
• SISTER M giggling : What is the meaning of this? What are you doing?
• PREACHER: Oh just a contingency plan. Just stay still for a moment. Actually, just scoot a little over here.
• Preacher leads SISTER M over to the tree and continues tying her with great effort and complexity.
• SISTER M: Ok this is over the top I’m taking my blindfold off.
• PREACHER: Wait it’s not ready yet.
• SISTER M: Wow you have some real skill at knot tying. I guess 4-H camp taught you more than how to masturbate.
• PREACHER: Did Wayne tell you that?
• SISTER M: No you told me that, while we were at 4-H.
• PREACHER: Oh yeah. Hold your arms out it has to be escape proof.
• SISTER M: This is not looking to turn out to be anything good.
• PREACHER: Oh ho ho. But it is far too late. You consented to be tied up now I have free reign.
• SISTER M giggling : Yeah right. And what is it that you have free reign to do.
• PREACHER: Hohoo. All the pieces came together, I had a friend call Wayne so he could leave. So we could be alone. In a middle of the forest. Where no one hears your screams.
• SISTER M: I’m terrified. And also, quite capable of getting out of your knot. It’s pretty, but not that tight.
• PREACHER: Oh you’re not going anywhere.
• PREACHER retrieves and the brandishes a box cutter from the backpack.
• PREACHER: Ohohoo. If I can’t have you no one can. Perhaps I’ll take your eyes that you must wear sunglasses even in church. Or I’ll take your tongue so that you can’t sing those annoying boyband tunes.
• SISTER M: Oh start with the ears that I’d be saved from your soliloquys.
• PREACHER: No.
• PREACHER approaches SISTER M
• PREACHER: I don’t want to destroy you. I want to worship you.
• PREACHER falls to his knees and begins bowing.
• SISTER M Giggling You are something else. Come on and help me out of this rope.
• PREACHER: Oh yes worship you from the edges of your curly hair. To the soles of your feet.
• PREACHER grabs one of SISTER M’S shoes and she resists still well bound below the shoulders.
• SISTER M: Oh quit it.
PREACHER rips off the shoe and tosses it.
• SISTER M: Really?
• PREACHER takes off the sock and stuffs it in his pocket.
• PREACHER: Yes your bare sweet toes. I’ve never had a preference for such a limb but yours are simply impeccable.
• SISTER M: You took my shoe! Go get it!
• PREACHER: Now above the toes are the sole then the ankle and then ah I am at an impasse.
• SISTER M: Stop creeping over my foot and give me my sock and shoe!
• PREACHER: Perhaps I might break this stalemate. Remove a particular barrier.
• Preacher rises.
• SISTER M: Dude quit it out and get my stuff.
• PREACHER: That wouldn’t be too bad just the removal of a barrier. Plus it’s my birthday a tiny present much better than the gift card you got. I mean we’re best friends.
• SISTER M: Stop it. It’s not even funny anymore.
• PREACHER grabs a belt.
• PREACHER: Oh I think I’m close. A little to the left, then down a bit.
• SISTER M: Quit it, it’s really not funny.
• PREACHER: There’s the zipper.
• SISTER M: Stop it! Now.
• PREACHER: I would have never thought you wore black panties.
• SISTER M: STOP!
• There is no giggling.
• PREACHER: Come on it’s just a little fun.
• SISTER M: Please, Stop! There’s a crack in the voice.
• Long Beat
• PREACHER: Well. I mean since you asked nicely. Um yeah I’ll uh get your shoe.
• SISTER M: Untie Me! weakly Please.
• PREACHER: Yeah of course. Naturally. um let’s see. Well that knot is a bit too. Um that’s not good. Well um I can’t really get this one. Um. Actually I think I’m just gonna cut it with the box cutter. Yeah.
• PREACHER unsuccessfully saws and then successfully hacks at the rope.
• SISTER M zips up her jeans.
• PREACHER: Here’s your sock. And um just a sec. You shoe.
• Long beat.
• PREACHER: Well there’s still the pinata. You don’t have to blindfolded though this time.
• SISTER M half giggling. Awkward smile. : Yeah, I think the game of trust kinda stank.
• Beat
• PREACHER: So do you still wanna stay until 6:00 with me and Wayne? I’m sure we have enough ice cream left…
• SISTER M: No, not really. You know it’s been a long day. And I’m pretty hot and pretty bit up so I think I’m just gonna call my parents now. I’ll meet you back at the house.
• PREACHER: Yeah I mean it’ll only take a sec for me to pack up everything. I mean I’d just up and go but I can’t litter. Yeah it won’t take too long if you just wanna wait.
• SISTER M: Nah, I’ll catch you back at the house.
• PREACHER: Yeah I mean sure ok.
• SISTER M starts moving away but then turns back for moment.
• SISTER M: Happy Birthday C*****b.
• SISTER M shuffles away off stage left, trying to face forward but eyes locked on PREACHER. She refuses to completely turn her back on PREACHER. Arms are tightly crossed.
• Beat
• No spotlight. A creature dressed in an all-black robe that covers the face rises from the audience, jumps on stage, and runs off stage right on all fours. PREACHER just barely catches it.
• PREACHER: Woah! Did you see that Sister M? I mean that looked like a deer but it was like all black.
• Beat
• PREACHER: Oh and you’re already gone. And I’m here. You didn’t see a creature. And I’m a pathological liar so in the court’s opinion it never happened. Perhaps it was a wolf. They have wolves around here. Plenty of them. My sister once saw one at her school. But then again, she’s a pathological liar too. We get if from my father. I wonder what he got me for Birthday slash Christmas this year. Last year it was a pirated version of Wall-E. The year before it was a toy Helicopter that broke after 2 uses. I mean I broke the Helicopter on purpose. And Wall-E is my favorite movie ever so. Not much of a loss. He’s given me some quite useful things. Like my last name, my charisma. I should forgive him. He’s not the worst among people who have existed in life. In my…
• PREACHER looks at the scattered rope and throws the box cutter in his backpack. He then freezes and tears swell up.
• That’s the Christian thing to do. Forgive him. Forgiveness. People make mistakes, right? But we forgive them. I forgave. I’ve forgiven people. If a tree limb falls on me or some wolf bites me in a forest who’s fault is that? The forest? And if no one hears my screams, did it even happen? And if I forgive the wolf, forget about it, doesn’t it just disappear? Doesn’t that make me worthy of forgiveness, or at least forgetting?
• PREACHER half crying half raging : Who am I kidding? Forgiveness is for animated movies! Real life has consequences and if they don’t come immediately, they’ll just bite you later. Well I’ll take my biting now. Come ye canine creature! And do your worst. I have sinned against my lord and am deserving of a proper painful punishment. Get over here! COME ON YOU STUPID FUCKING MUTT! Bite me or something. Maul me! Hurt me. COME AND FUCKING HURT ME.
• PREACHER falls to his knees.
• PREACHER weakly : Come hurt me. Beat. Wolves are not foolish. Think idiot think. They don’t come to confident bold voices. They don’t want an equal. They want prey. If I want to catch a beast, I need to lure it with weakness.
• WAYNE wanders on from stage left and approaches PREACHER from behind.
• PREACHER: Weak, docile prey. Yes I’m a soft little fleshy human. Come here little puppy. Give me a lil kiss on the face. Don’t you want a belly rub. I know you want a belly rub. Come here let me give you a belly rub. Oh puppy. I love you soo much. Come here give me a kiss.
• WAYNE taps PREACHER on the shoulder. PREACHER jumps.
• PREACHER: Fuck dude, you scared me.
• WAYNE: Yo did ya’ll find a dog out here. Cause it probably has rabies.
• PREACHER wipes tears before facing WAYNE.
• PREACHER: Nah dude. I’m just being weird.
• Wayne looks behind to see the pile of cut rope.
• WAYNE: Yo dude do not fucking tell me you went through with your plan!
• PREACHER: No man, not completely anyway. It was a joke and I quit after she made it weird.
• WAYNE: Made it weird? Dude is she gonna tell our parents or her parents?
• PREACHER: She’s not a snitch. I’m a snitch. I know them when I see them. And since you were off chatting the breeze away you don’t know about anything that happened here. Nothing in fact happened here.
• WAYNE: Dude you are fucked up.
• PREACHER: What are you talking about. Remember what you said about Harmony and your like soap thing?
• WAYNE: Dude that was an exaggeration. Not like… I mean we have our moments but we’re with each other and care about each other and talk. We we’re just talking about like boundaries and shit.
• PREACHER: Wait you were talking to Harmony just now? I thought you were still with K****y.
• WAYNE: Ok it’s complicated right now.
• PREACHER: HMMM. Remember this key moment when you lecture me about relationships again.
• PREACHER grabs the rope and begins stuffing it in the bag.
• PREACHER: Go grab the pinata.
• WAYNE: Wait let me crack it open first.
• PREACHER: Do you want a pile of paper and stuffing on YOUR dad’s hunting trail?
• WAYNE: Fine whatever.
• Beat
• WAYNE: Ok I got it. What now.
• PREAHER: Well you never showed me the deer stand still want to go?
• WAYNE: Um nah the sun’s going down and Dad will beat my ass and might beat you in general if we’re out that late.
• PREACHER: Well we can finish that ice cream when we get back and try Mortal Combat again. I mean I’m trash at it so maybe we can play another game? Or we can pull out those playing cards I brought. I’m great at Blackjack. Or another pillow fight, last night was pretty fun for a while.
• WAYNE: Or we could watch porn again.
• PREACHER: Yeah that’s what I was going to say that next. Let’s do that.
• The two begin walking off stage with one piece of rope still left laying and the spotlight focuses on it.
• WAYNE: But no tentacle shit this time. That stuff is weird. It messes up my zone.
• Lights out and a single drum hit.

Setting: A classroom with one table stage left and 3 tables and multiple chairs grouped together on stage right. Chorus members, three Geeks, and a few chorus members occupy stage right. 3 Chorus members are on the left are accompanied by TEREZI, a female with a terrible hairstyle but sharp avant garde suit jacket, and LAZY FREAK, designated by a Minecraft creeper hoodie.

• CHORUS: In time the crude jibes, jokes, and pantomines all fell from favor with those few friends of the past.
• CHORUS: Something of disaster for the pastor who believed the promises of children had meaning or at least could really last.
• CHORUS: But maturity has total reach.
• CHORUS: And puberty even comes to Geeks.
• CHORUS: Which left our poor protagonist utterly…

• SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Aghast! I am quite flustered by your flagrant disregard for Class Rule number 13. Do not move any class furniture without explicit permission from your teacher. I mean this is just ridiculous there are only five people on this side.
• TALL GEEK: Yo are you a sub or a new student?
• SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: I am your teacher for the day and I would like your name so I can write it down in a note.
• TALL GEEK: C****** M******* T****** Jr. Oh I usually sit at table 4 on the right side if that’s useful. I also have my parents cell if you want it.
• SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Hmmmph.
• SUBSTITUTE walks across to the very edge of stage of right.
• PREACHER enters from stage right and takes a triple take at the seating arrangement.
• PREACHER: Well. I am utterly aghast and also quite flustered at yall’s complete disregard for design symmetry. I mean sure we can arrange our desk any way when a sub is her but it doesn’t mean we should arrange it anyway. I mean what do MY people have to say about this?
• SMART GEEK: Just sit down somewhere dude I am too tired for this.
• PREACHER approaches SMART GEEK
• PREACHER: No seriously you see how this is a problem right? I mean aesthetically of course but also logistically I mean our normal arrangement isn’t terrible and at least the desk is redirecting the energy from the door directly down our like min hallway and distributing it equally…
• SMART GEEK: I like this arrangment. I’m closer to the air vent so I’m comfortable.
• PREACHER: But see you don’t understand. By this many people being one side you create pressure differential. Air flow is more turbulent over here so you end up with a bunch of eddies and the air flow is harder to penetrate very deep. Over there however low pressure means the cool air can more easily flow in a convection current and so you create a dead space here where you get even less cool air. I mean right?
• SMART GEEK: Sure, ok but I’ll be fine for today.
• PREACHER: What? My argument was bullshit. I made that shit up. You should have wrecked through it. I was wrong. Like completely wrong. Where is that feisty, academic, competitive spirit we hate about each other?
• SMART GEEK: I really just don’t care about it that much. Could you please give me a little space it's pretty crowded over here.
• SUBSTITUTE: Ok students take your seats now. Wherever they might be.
• PREACHER: Ok sure yeah. Walking away. Women. Amiright?
• PREACHER produces a scheming smile and prances over to TALL GEEK
• PREACHER: Well my dear compadre. I must bring you some rather unfortunate news. I think your girlfriend is PMSing again. She’s acting all aloof and not absolutely infuriated of my existence. which we both know is quite concerning. Actually it might be something worse. Have you checked on your girl lately? She's less emotional, less passionate, social. Oh no! She might be going through her emo phase. Next thing you know she's gonna start reading sappho and listening to Black Veil Brides.
• TALL GEEK: Ok for one PREACH, nobody finds you funny, just rude. Two, no matter how many times you bring it up me and E****** are not a thing. Three, according to you we ain’t on speaking terms. So in conclusion why are you brething down my neck right now?
• PREACHER assumes a weird squat position next to TALL GEEK as there are no available chairs.
• PREACHER: Oh yeah. Well I’ll allow a ceasefire for the whole not talking for the time being. Plus it’s not my fault you went and betrayed every part of your moral fiber and our crew.
• TALL GEEK: Joining football is not betraying anything. Just because I want to hang out with people besides you and the other Geeks doesn’t make me a traitor or something.
• PREACHER: We laugh at football players, not with them. I mean these are the guys who would beat us up only 2 years ago.
• TALL GEEK: They beat YOU up because you wanted to fight them. And holding grudges like that is a sissy thing to do. I’m gonna put in the work so I don’t have to cry to a teacher every time someone threatens me.
• PREACHER: That dude was gonna fucking shank you! He went to jail, or juvie you know. That was serious I was just looking out for you.
• SUBSTITUTE: Everybody take your seats now!
• Beat, Everyone listens but then continues on without caring.
• TALL GEEK: Yeah, I need a new group of friends if I have Preach protecting me. You should probably listen to the teacher and find a seat somewhere.
• PREACHER rises and moves away.
• PREACHER: Ugh what a jerkoff. He does a jerking hand motion. Actually.
• PREACHER turns back.
• PREACHER: Ceasefire is officially ended and we’re back to not talking you, you Judas Iscariot.
• PREACHER proudly turns away and then finds SHORT GEEK. PREACHER squeezes past two chorus members to get to SHORT GEEK.
• PREACHER: Yo bro shit is weird today. The squad is acting funny but more importantly the class seems to have been arranged by an above average intelligence chimpanzee.
• SHORT GEEK: Yeah. Preach It’s pretty dumb but it’s what they wanted.
• PREACHER: Who wanted?
• SHORT GEEK: Them. Points to table on stage left.
• SHORT GEEK: The hairy legs. One of them trough a temper tantrum yesterday cause someone made a joke about them in band and now her squad has made the rumor that anyone who sits by them is officially gay. So the gays sit over there and the Christians over here.
• PREACHER: Hmm interesting. Wait but your family isn’t religious?
• SHORT GEEK: Yeah but I can’t sit over there. Coach Freeman has me on the shortlist for varsity this year. the last thing I need is some rumor going about.
• PREACHER: Oh sweet Lord on high, please don’t let all my friends be swept away in testosterone fueled frenzy of cranial damage.
• SHORT GEEK: I know how you hate them but come on. I gotta get fit somehow. Not everybody has natural charisma like you, or a perfectly chiseled jawline like C********. Or both like Jakob Whitfield. Ahhh.
• PREACHER: Are you sure you don’t belong on the other side of the room?
• SHORT GEEK: Man shut up. To be quite frank you should try for a sport. It might prevent you from getting labeled as soft.
• PREACHER: I'm already pegged as soft. Those bullies will be employed by me 20 years from now. I don't care about them. I do care about those girls however. Segregation is not good. My elders fought hard to have the right to sit amongst you pasties. Even if if gets me a label I'm going to head over there. Not sit down. Just investigate. Try to do a little diplomacy work.
• Imagine the worst Nice Guy type of walk.
• PREACHER: Hi there I’m sure you all know me because I am loud and raise my hand but I unfortunately have not had the pleasure to meet any of you.
• TEREZI: Glares.
• PREACHER: I know I’m intruding on a particular, space but I just wanted to offer a palm leaf of sorts. I firsthand know what being ostracized by these kids is like and I want to let you know not everyone over there has Klan member parents. Well at least they don’t all act like it.
• Beat. LAZY FREAK raises her head and yawns.
• PREACHER: Wait I know you. You were in the talent show. You did that what’s it called K-pop dance thing. It was pretty cool.
• LAZY FREAK pauses and then covers her face again with the hoodie.
• PREACHER: Oh, I apologize. I wouldn’t at all see that as embarrassing, but you don’t have to hide. I’m no threat. I’m the furthest thing from a threat.
• TEREZI: She doesn’t talk to creeps like you.
• PREACHER: A creep?
• TEREZI: Your joke about Ms. Cattings spread pretty fast.
• PREACHER: Oh well I admit I’m rude a bit about folks I don’t care for too much. But Ms. Cattings is an easy person to hate. Unlike well, students, classmates. Beat.
• PREACHER: I overheard a while back ya’ll of fans of Hamilton.
• LAZY FREAK perks up again.
• CHORUS MEMBER: Oh not this again.
• TEREZI: You are correct in that statement. It’s a good musical. Really good.
• PREACHER: Yes, I honestly just love how it combines such a old white boring thing like American politics with rap music and RnB. It’s amazing honestly just the fandom is kinda cringe. The horrors I’ve seen scrolling through Tumblr.
• TEREZI: You have a Tumblr. I would not expect you to have a Tumblr.
• PREACHER: Yeah I mean I don’t really interact that much but I love the memes they have and artwork and fan theories and stuff.
• TEREZI: I don’t believe you.
• PREACHER point to a journal on the desk.
• PREACHER: That right there isn’t that pentacircle thingamajig. Like you make that with salt. That’s a Supernatural thing.
• LAZY FREAK: You’re a Superwholock!?
• PREACHER: Doctor Who and Sherlock are great but I never said I watched Supernatural. Hell I refuse to watch that show because the fans are so, uh. They think they’re fandom is better than every other fandom that exist.
• CHORUS MEMBER: But I mean we kinda are.
• PREACHER: I don’t join fandoms to ship random characters together and write slow burn romance about my OC and a demon. That’s weird, that’s freaky. Beat I mean nothing wrong with it just not my cup of tea.
• A Bell rings.
• TEREZI: You surprise me I didn’t expect PREACH to be so familiar with us sinners.
• PREACHER: Yeah it’s my job to be knowledgeable about most anything. Plus it’s pretty fun sometimes. Beat So does that mean me and the Geeks can move a table over here. Call a treaty of sorts. How bad could this possibly be?
• TEREZI: Nope. The lines have been drawn and we shain’t betray our sentiments for those villians.
• PREACHER: Oh come now, you speak of inclusion but wish them suffer cramped in their hot cacophony. That is simply ridiculous.
• TEREZI: They are the ones who decided to not sit with us. We just saw it fair to claim a half of the class to our motive. Those who stand for the right to live freely as yourself sit here and those who stand for the right to oppress those who don’t worship their sky daddy may remain over there. You may choose to join this table but only if you are willing to admit your truth. But I imagine it might take until Junior year for that.
• CHORUS MEMBER: I bet you’d come out during Freshmen year.
• LAZY GEEK: Sophomore year.
• CHORUS MEMBER: I think it’ll be before the school year ends.
• PREACHER: I appreciate the offer but I must confess I am indeed completely straight.
• TEREZI: Then I suppose you should return to your kinsmen.
• SUBSTITUTE: The bell has rung you should all already be in your seats. I do not want to have leave a note.
• PREACHER returns to SHORT GEEK, dejected.
• PREACHER: So that was only barely successful. I don’t think they are budging though.
• SHORT GEEK: That’s just how the snowflakes are you know. Beat
• PREACHER: So is there like a chance we could share a seat. I don’t really have anywhere else to sit.
• SHORT GEEK: Try table 4, oh wait I think that’s actually 2.
• PREACHER: There are jocks over there I can’t sit there. The last time I talked to them was to curry favor for my stuco Treasurer election. Come scoot over, on my ass isn’t that fat.
• SHORT GEEK: Try the small table. It has room.
• The spotlight reveals a small table with one student sitting there, Wayne.
• PREACHER: You know I can’t go over there.
• SHORT GEEK: Oh come on, I get C****** he’s an asshole most the time but you and Wayne are bros there is now reason for this animosity.
• PREACHER: It’s complicated man.
• SHORT GEEK: No it’s not. Ms. Moore chose him as Quizbowl Captain because she’s racist and then we choked at competition. Ya’ll got in an argument, and you called him a pride-fuelled privileged pastie.
• PREACHER: That alliteration was funny you laughed at it and he would have too if his fucking pride wasn’t so high he couldn’t see straight. He knew we had a winning strategy and could have easily relinquished the role but he fell for the trap and now the whole gang is acting stupid.
• SHORT GEEK: The whole squad isn’t upset over Quizbowl. What’s wrong is that you expect all of us to act the same way every day like we’re some cartoon characters. I read buzzfeed article that was like the marker of a real friend is one who remains through all your changes and developments as a person. A real friend stays by your side even when You, stop being the You they became friends with. Beat And That’s why you shouldn’t trust Sagittarius suns, they always burn their contact list when they hit a major milestone in life.
• PREACHER: I’M, a Saggitar… you know what, I’m gonna follow your advice.
• PREACHER approaches the small table waits for a response from WAYNE and then decides to sit on table next to WAYNE.
• PREACHER: Hey. Beat Did you see the new Vannoss prop hunt. Beat They haven’t done prop hunt in a while it’s always been one of my favorite minigames they do. He also has some new merch. I don’t think it’s as cool as the gold shirt you got but I was thinking I might roll over and get buy this new hoodie. Beat Ok dude it’s not easy to say this but I’m sorry. I’m sorry about flaring up over that stupid Quizbowl competetion.
• WAYNE: You’re good dude.
• PREACHER: I mean we are excellent at it and I’m just so passionate about quizbowl. I don’t have that many things you know to compete in and be all passionate about it’s just I got way too angry about it disproportional.
• WAYNE: Nah I get it dude we all wanna just excel. win, you know, Vincerò. That sometimes gets in the way of you know things that matter.
• PREACHER: Yeah and it really shouldn’t have too.
• WAYNE: I don’t know. My parents are getting really pissy about the school board. They’re thinking about transferring me to Glenbrook so I can get air quotes a more comprehensive educational experience.
• PREACHER: No! You have to be lying there’s no way they could do that to you.
• WAYNE: Well, smirks I am lying. I’m totally pulling your leg man.
• Laughter
• PREACH: Man you had my ass.
• WAYNE: My parents hate those ritzy airheads. My mom puts up the bird every time we drive by the school.
• PREACH: Don’t yall live right next to them.
• WAYNE: Yeah man it’s so annoying when their fucking band comes out. They can’t play for shit.
• PREACH: And that’s in comparison to us so it’s really bad.
• WAYNE: Yeah man I’m not mad at you. It’s just the whole game really. My parents are really pissy at school.
• PREACH: And probably me I think.
• WAYNE: Man my mom loves you, but most of our parents secretly hate each other. Thinking we are some type of competetition.
• PREACH: Yeah Ms. T******** keeps giving my mom passive aggressive answers about why I got that B last fall.
• WAYNE: Yo Justin needs to watch his mom. She the type to fuck him over by bribing colleges.
• PREACH: Man you acting as if she hasn’t already bribed the whole public school system. Cause aint no way she was hired for her communication skills.
• WAYNE: Man its really fucked up. We work hard and are supposedly gifted but are award is dealing with this nonsense?
• SUBSTITUTE: I have had it with your blatant disrespect I am leaving a very long note for your teacher unless you all take a seat this very instant. Today we are discussing cellular resp…
• THE ENTIRE CLASS IN UNISON: Shut up dude. You are a sub.
• Substitute unceremoniously leaves offstage right.
• WAYNE: I mean should I not enjoy my time that’s not spent on studying, and student council, and parades, and volunteer work and kissing up to teachers. I mean sometimes I just want to be like a teenager and exist. Not for the sake of my college application, or future career or the estate of my family. Just to exist.
• PREACH: It’s just how it is. Our special cross to bear.
• WAYNE: No that’s bullshit. Beat Just because we’re gifted doesn’t mean we’re locked into some life plan devised by our parents and the common core curriculum. I’ve got free will, you’ve got free will. We have lives outside our work. We don’ have chase some concept of success. What is success anyway? Ivy Leagues? PHDs? 401ks, restaurant franchise and a wetland named after us? Of course I want to be wealthy. Gain some schooling. Hell, I want to be the smartest person in the room, I’m competitive. But I deserve the opportunity to turn it off sometimes. To chart exactly what type of life I want to live. Hell we call you Preach but you’re not even into religion like that. You like black holes, and quarks, and Bill Nye. You’ll probably work at LIGOS or NASA or something. That’s success yes but it’s not what everyone expects you to be. It’s not what this town want you to be. Beat Sometimes I feel like I’m on a shoreline. On one side there’s dry, sure land. It may be static, barren and rocky but it’s consistent and expected. I can build something there. And yet on the other side is a wide ocean. Violent, unpredictable, and completely fluid but free. The cool waters gather and carry me where no Kings or gods have dominion. Where I may find other free fellows and we may exist in a lawless beautiful sea. And I have to choose one. I don’t want to have to choose one side.
• PREACH: So you want a swamp? A marsh? Generalized mud?
• WAYNE: That’s why I like you Preach. You notice and highlight all the details no one cares about but occasionally need to care about. Like the aesthetic disaster that is this classroom.
• PREACH: I know right! The rest of the squad is acting like it doesn’t matter.
• WAYNE: They care, they just want you to shut up.
• PREACH: Oh is my voice annoying. ith it my act-sent. I thought it went away when I got oldah. Stop laughin I caunt help it.
• WAYNE: No homo, I love you bro.
• PREACH: Wayne, we tight for life. Love you too, no homo. Beat Since we already said no homo this will sound less weird but can we share a seat. The gays have plenty but if I take one it might be hexed or something. They talk about satanism and stuff over there.
• WAYNE: Take my chair. I’m moving.
• Wayne walks over to the stage left side smiles at the gay table while taking a chair then very dramatically plops in the walkway between the two sides. He plop back into the chair loud enough to gain the attention of the classroom.
• WAYNE: Yeah I’m sitting in the middle. Because as Christians we should love our neighbors no matter their culture or customs. Discrimination and hatred don’t align with the values of Jesus Christ. I want to demonstrate you can stand for morality and spiritual growth while also supporting freedom to love in your own way. Beat Plus all hot girls at school are bisexual so.
• PREACH slides a chair over to the edge of the right side. A chorus member from the gay side brings a chair to the middle.
• Long beat
• CHORUS MEMBER-Christian Side: Yo guys Wayne is an atheist and a f…..
• Lights off, Drums.

Setting: A track field in front of bleachers. TALL FREAK is sitting with TEREZI on bleachers. Tall Freak is smoking a cigarette. LAZY FREAK jogs in from stage right and stops at the bleachers severely out of breath.

• TEREZI: Hey girl you’re going strong. I believe in you.
• LAZY FREAK: I don’t, entirely, believe in, myself.
• TEREZI: Just take a relax. Isn’t it almost 7:00 anyway?
• PREACHER follows from stage right jogging even slower and sloppier. Stops at the bleachers and checks a watch on his phone.
• PREACHER: It’s 15 till. But I think, I’ll agree with you, This time. Just this time.
• PREACHER collapses on the bleachers.
• LAZY FREAK: Yeah, I think we’ll call it a day.
• Followed by LAZY FREAK. Beat
• PREACHER: I do not know why I do it. Oh the agony.
• TALL FREAK: You know actually never understood that. I know R*** parents are making her but why are you on the team Preach?
• PREACHER: You see track is not about physical fitness. It’s about mental strength. You have to teach your mind to ignore all the warning signs that you are danger of hurting yourself or expending all your available energy. Pain. And I for one have an incredibly low pain tolerance. It’s growing me as a person.
• TALL FREAK: Well I’m glad isn’t wasn’t to grow some muscles you are skinny as a stick figure now.
• PREACHER: I know right. I could eat a whole cow right now.
• LAZY FREAK: Huff. You don’t even flinch at the concept of eating a living animal. How do you harden your heart like that.
• PREACHER: Yes I’m a terrible meat eater but at least I recognize what that fully means I don’t sugarcoat it. Plus why do you harp on me about the whole veganism thing I know the rest of your friends eat a chicken nuggets or crawfish.
• LAZY FREAK: Because you debate me as if my opinion is wrong.
• PREACHER: If your other friends think your logic is sound and still eat meat doesn’t that make them worse? Like hypocrites much?
• LAZY FREAK: You don’t like that I’m vegan. They don’t care. That’s the difference.
• PREACHER: From a health standpoint I get it. Pork skins and Big Mac’s are worse than that awful cigarette. But morally a sentient human life has more value than a seabass. So as predators in a global ecosystem we are literally evolved to hunt and eat them.
• LAZY FREAK: Would you say the same about your dog, Kiara?
• PREACHER: By my logic. If dogs were primarily bred for human consumption or I was trapped in a position where my only option of food was a dog yeah, it’s the same. But Kiara would eat me first she’s higher on the food chain. I’m just her pet human.
• LAZY FREAK: UGHAHHGH.
• TALL FREAK: You were not lying. You are entirely devoid of a conscience.
• PREACHER: Haha that’s me.
• TALL FREAK puts out cigarette.
• TALL FREAK: I’m not technically inviting you PREACH but since you’re here so I’m telling you all. There’s an end of year party going on at the sugar mill just outside of town. It’s not huge or nothing but I know a few High schoolers are going and that’s where all the freshmen who don’t want to be freshmeat gain respect. It’s happening next Friday from ten until two or when the police show up. Plus the sugar mill belongs to Dixie Inn so there will definitely be alcohol.
• LAZY FREAK: I can’t speak for PREACH but I will not be there. I have a JROTC dance that same night.
• PREACHER: Sounds fun, dangerous to my social standing in this town but fun.
• TEREZI: I’ll go but only cause I’ll be starting as a sophomore.
• PREACHER: You’re gonna be staring a sophomore?
• TEREZI: Yeah I’m skipping a grade.
• PREACHER: For real well that’s gonna be weird. You as an upperclassman.
• LAZY FREAK: Yawns, I think me and Preach are gonna head out. I got homework to do.
• PREACHER: And I have a fire to start. Beat. A leaf bonfire. I’m not just an arsonist. Come on guys.
• PREACHER gets up. LAZY FREAK joins.
• LAZY FREAK: We’ll catch ya’ll later.
• TEREZI and TALL FREAK: Catch ya’ll later
• Chorus members move the bleachers off stage right and bring a streetlight on from stage left. PREACHER skips around as LAZY FREAK strolls to the downstage left.
• PREACHER: You know that party sounds cool and all but I kinda wanted something a little chill. You know I’m all for a bunch of drunk teens getting into fights and breathing in asbestos ridden air while trashing a historic site but I don’t really know. I think I’d like to be somewhere more dignified for the end of my semester. Beat I wanted who you’re going with to the JROTC dance with.
• LAZY FREAK: Oh sorry I’m already going with Tyrese.
• PREACHER: You’re joking. You have to be joking.
• LAZY FREAK: Yes, I am joking.
• PREACHER: Jeez, you can’t have me spooked like that.
• LAZY FREAK: Did you really think I would spend anymore time around him than I already do?
• PREACHER: I don’t know I trust when people tell me things. I guess I’m a wittle gullible sometimes. Plus I know you are into the guys on the team.
• LAZY FREAK: Me into the track guys? I’m not the one ranking asses in the locker room.
• PREACHER: Oh are still bringing that up. That was one event.
• LAZY FREAK: You described JD as having a luscious bottom, a nice spherical shape with strong upper thighs but bounce in the rear area 9/10. Don’t look that way it’s your words not mine.
• PREACHER: It was an objective statement, and you are always commenting on who rips off their bra, who grinds on people in the girl’s locker room.
• LAZY FREAK: That’s because they annoy me. Not because I like hanging out with them. I would any day hang with those sweaty crude dudes if only to escape the gossip and suffocating perfumes.
• PREACHER: Have you never smelled Axe body spray? Between the running, cigarette smoke and the locker room my lungs have lost about a decade of longevity. Gosh sometimes I wish we could switch bodies for like a day just to know how the other side lives.
• LAZY FREAK: Yeah but I don’t know if I want your body. You run out of breath quick.
• LAZY FREAK Starts running to stage right but PREACHER catches up and jumps in front of her.
• PREACHER: So you’re saying I’m a slow runner eh?
• LAZY FREAK: After half a mile you run pretty slow.
• PREACHER: Well if coach put me on sprints I wouldn’t have to worry about half a mile.
• LAZY FREAK: You? Cannot do sprints.
• PREACHER: Oh jeez I’m sorry I guess only the most fit athletes get to go to the JROTC dance.
• LAZY FREAK: Really PREACH we’re discussing this?
• PREACHER: Just as friends we can just go as friends, I know you aren’t inviting anyone and It’ll be fun you know I liven up a party. Hell, I can disappear as soon as we even go inside. It’ll be like you went along.
• LAZY FREAK: I have friends I don’t really need anyone to walk me in. Plus why do you want to go to a dance with the JROTC kids. You’re scared of them. If it isn’t about going with me why are you going to the dance?
• PREACHER: Do you want the truth? The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
• LAZY FREAK: Yeah.
• PREACHER: So there’s this girl.
• LAZY FREAK: No way.
• PREACHER: Just listen we’ve had a few conversations around breakfast time and at book club but I know she doesn’t hang around that many people and I just wanted to introduce myself.
• LAZY FREAK: You have told me 3 times this year that you are asexual and never will have a crush as long as you live. I think you are setting yourself for failure here.
• PREACHER: Hannah L. didn’t reject me. It was her parents. You know that. You don’t even have to be a wingman or anything this time just get me into the dance and I’ll take it from there. Plus I just want extend a hand of friendship. Totally harmless.
• LAZY FREAK: I would happily be your wingman again.
• PREACHER: Wait really!
• LAZY FREAK: There’s just one problem.
• PREACHER: Problem?
• LAZY FREAK: C****** You’re gay.
• PREACHER: Come on that’s not true.
• LAZY FREAK: You are a homosexual and though you can come out whenever you feel comfortable it is clearly evident this is why you have bad luck with girls. You don’t want to date girls you want to haaaaang with the gworls.
• PREACHER: I am bad with girls because I am a nerd. And though you are correct I hang out with more females than males there is one flaw with your theory. I don’t like men. Period. They are just not attractive in any sense.
• LAZY FREAK: Then maybe you are asexual but the point of the matter is you aren’t into girls like that. Like guys are into girls.
• PREACHER: You are quite uninformed in your hypothesis. Coach calls me a genuine Don Juan, a playboy of sorts.
• LAZY FREAK: Coach? Coach sold crack back in the day, we do not take the advice of Coach.
• PREACHER: Ok just because I’m not like the jock 12 pack dudes in on Track or football doesn’t automatically mean I’m sterile and soft. Some girls I hang out with because they are my friends’ others I am interested in as friends, but we could also be more than friends. Some are not even interesting as friends, but they are hot. Like a predator to prey I stalk I camouflage and then I pounce with my seductive skills. You really do not know anything about me or what I’m capable of.
• LAZY FREAK: Don’t do that thing.
• PREACHER: What thing?
• LAZY FREAK: Where you start acting all crazy and violent because someone threatened your ego. You are not some stupid predator stalking prey. You are a soft and sometimes naieve freak genius. You’re a walking encyclopedia. A great dancer and bad singer. A slow but motivated track runner and a decent friend most of the time. You watch Glee during Sunday football and compliment the lunch ladies when they change their hair. You are cool as you are but for some reason you feel the need to wear some sort of mask or cloak that hides those aspects. You are never going to be like those other guys and that means you shouldn’t have the same expectation of life and experiences as them. Maybe you can’t be in a relationship because you won’t present your authentic self to others. Instead, you try to use this crude façade that just makes you look like a pitiful douce bag. Pierce your ears, wear black nail polish, get a scarf, buy some docs. Or dress however you want but just be honest. Be honest with how your present yourself to others. Just love the way you are idiot.
• PREACHER: Um.
• LAZY FREAK: I gotta turn towards my street. I’ll catch you later Preach.
• LAZY FREAK Exits stage left.
• PREACHER: See you Thursday. Bye.
• PREACHER turns and moves toward stage right as lights dim and Chorus changes a street setting into a bedroom with a bed at center stage right. Preacher then collapses on the bed.
• PREACHER: hmphhphgahhhHHH!
• He suddenly perks up.
• PREACHER: This should not be. I have all the makings of an attractive young man. I can pull a joke or quip from out of thin air and impress anyone with my compendium of knowledge. I am not downright ugly… but I could use some more muscle tone.
• PREACHER pulls up shirt and flexes.
• PREACHER or maybe it’s my hair. I need a new hairstyle, something besides this old thing. Would I look good with an earring. Yeah one on my right side maybe even a small little chain. Yeah! That’s what I need. Beat Oh who am I kidding I. I’m not a player. I’m me. Beat and me is going to ask a girl to be my friend. Not girlfriend, but just friend. Well really re- ask. Someone who has been a friend for some time. I mean we had a few months apart but we could rekindle that friendship. It’s all good and well.
• PREACHER pulls out a flipphone and dials a number. Dial tone until a message declaring a voice-mail box has not been set up yet.
• PREACHER: Oh stupid stupid. She doesn’t even know my number. I didn’t have a phone then. I should send her a text to let her know it’s me. Or maybe I should send a message over Kik as to what my number is so she trusts I’m not a scammer or something. No, she might not even have Kik anymore I’ll text her.
• PREACH begins typing and talking aloud.
• PREACH: Hey Sistah, guess who got a phone???? Oh yeah. Wait no that’s too vague. Hi M******* it’s me C******* I just got a phone and I wanted to contact you. Wait no then she’s gonna wonder how I got her number. Um. Hey is this the right number for M******* my mom gave it to me and I haven’t texted for a while because, because beat Why haven’t I texted in so long? Why hasn’t she reached out to me in so long. After she moved churches we spoke for a while but then just stopped.
• PREACH begins slowly pacing around the room.
• PREACHER: Could she still be. . . No. I mean we laughed about it later. I mean we giggled not so much laugh. It’s not a laughing matter. I apologized. Twice, three times. No only twice. I wanted to apologize again. I wanted to apologize a million times. But that’s stupid. Silly. I don’t need to hold that over my head. That was years ago. Two years, two years ago. Almost two years. Year and some months. I was so naïve and dumb back then and stupid, but it was then and it was bad yes but not that bad. A joke that I took to far, just a joke. It wasn’t anything else.
• The HOODED CREATURE climbs through in a window and on all fours approaches PREACHER from behind from stage left.
• PREACHER: I mean I wasn’t gonna do anything else. I was just doing a bit. Yeah I took it too far, way too far. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean anything. I wasn’t gonna do anything else. I was just making a joke. Just like the stories I write, they are just stories, not real events. Not harmful. I just write them like other people write them. It’s not real harm. It’s contained and everything. I’m not like I was then. I’m not like them. I don’t harm people. I may have entertained their, stuff. But that wasn’t me then and it certainly isn’t me now.
• PREACHER is in tears reaches behind the bed as the HOODED CREATURE gets closer.
• PREACHER: Those things belong to the bunker. An area that exists and may be glanced at in passing but is under no circumstances opened. Never ever because those things in there are pathogenic. They will spread to everything and everyone around it. I have to suppress it, no matter how much it shakes or screams. It stays locked right there. And so do you!
• PREACHER suddenly turns around holding a lighter and a can of hairspray in the other hand.
• PREACHER: And don’t even think about moving this here is no ordinary can of hairspray. It’s been enriched with my blend of alcohols, oxidizers and fertilizers. So if I light it this whole room becomes an inferno and you with it. I’ve hunted you for so long now. But I knew how you worked. You’re a wolf. Sniffle You only come when you think there’s easy pickings. When your prey is weak and wounded. You always showed up when I was at my worst, when I was most uncomfortable. Changing in shower rooms. Hiding makeup in my pocket at the Walmart. After being rejected. You always reared your ugly head. So I lured you here. Huh, I even feigned tears. A great falsidity My negative emotions were too much for you to resist because that’s what you feed on. You we’re my parasite but now? You are my bitch. You do what I say. Lie down, dog.
• The HOODED CREATURE assumes a lying down position. Beat as PREACHER collects himself.
• PREACHER: Woah, I did not actually think that would work. Well lets see, sit?
• The HOODED CREATURE obeys each command.
• PREACHER: Well, down again. And sit. And down. And sit. Down. Sit. Down. Sit sit . down. Sit down. Sit. Um Simon says down.
• The HOODED CREATURE does not move.
• PREACHER: Well then PREACH says down.
• It obeys.
• PREACHER: Smart dog. Roll? Shake? Paw? Bark. Hiss. Twerk. Damn you can do anything.
• PREACHER sets down the lighter and can.
• PREACHER: Stand on two legs.
• The HOODED CREATURE obeys revealing it’s full height well over PREACHER’s. PREACHER sits on chair intimidated and looks up.
• PREACHER: For a wolf-human hybrid you are much more human than, wolf. Beat Um since you are my guest now I’d like to be a good host. Do you want any water or food. I mean unless the food is my mental deterioration, afraid that’s an unethically sourced food product.
• The HOODED CREATURE returns to all fours and goes behind the bed very swiftly.
• PREACHER: Woah, I mean sure whatever go I have snacks back there I just didn’t expect you to, well know where they were or move so, so fast.
• Sound of munching come from behind the bed followed by an empty bag of Snyder Prettzels and container of lemon thin mint Oreos.
• PREACHER: Oh I was saving the Oreos for a special occasion, but I guess this is special enough.
• PREACHER throws away the trash in a bin on stage left only to turn around to the HOODED CREATURE sitting up very close.
• PREACHER: Ahh! Hello there. I don’t have any more food in my room and I don’t feel comfortable letting you through the house. Beat But if we’re quick it won’t hurt none.
• MOTHER LAURENE offscreen: Hey I’m bringing your laundry.
• PREACHER: Actually, new plan. Hide in the closet.
• Antics as he hides the creature in a stuffed closet.
• MOTHER LAURENE walks in with basket from stage right.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Hey, I brought your clothes, wait, what are you doing with a lighter on your bed.
• PREACHER: Science experiment, might burn down the house but I’ll try to be safe.
• PREACHER grabs the basket and puts it on the bed.
• MOTHER LAURENE: And I heard you shouting like you were angry and then like you were hurt are you ok?
• PREACHER: Oh it was the science experiment something wasn’t going right and slightly burnt my pinky finger. See right there, it’s not too bad. It’s healing already. Ok bye mom.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Wait, but why are your closet doors closed? You never have your closet tidy enough to close the door all the way.
• PREACHER: Well, I’m definitely not hiding a werewolf allegory for gender dysphoria in there.
• MOTHER LAURENE: Ok, son. Don’t burn the house down. I love you.
• PREACHER: Love you too so much bye kisses and hugs. See ya later. Don’t open the door or the house might explode. Kaboom!
• MOTHER LAURENE leaves and PREACHER waits a while before turning back.
• PREACHER: Ok, you can come out now.
• The HOODED CREATURE is now wearing a hat and standing on two feet albeit crouched over heavily.
• PREACHER: I see you’ve found my fedora. A hat befitting only the spiciest mememlords like myself. But I guess you can try it out. I think it fits your head better than mine. It was a woman’s size.
• The HOODED CREATURE does a half-hearted pose.
• PREACHER: Yass queen work it. You know since you’re my guest and all but like also my pet dog? I want you to be entertained, stimulated so hop on the bed let me show you the miraculous world of the internet.
• They both move onto the bed while PREACHER grabs a tablet from under a pillow.
• PREACHER: See here’s a Wikipedia article on werewolves and all sorts of crypts. And this is a website called Poptropica that has a Cryptid Island which I just love. Oh and this tab is a pirated version of a movie called Twilight that features Werewolves in it. Sadly the website only has New Moon, the worst one. No offense to your kind or anything, I’m team Jacob all the way it’s just a slow plotline. Eclipse has better visuals, music, world-building, and character development. And this tab is a fanfiction of Twilight. Well it’s more just focusing on vampires in general but feature the Cullens as a clan so it’s related. Oh and this one is like fanart and stuff, woah! I’m sorry I’m closing that. That’s embarrassing I mean you know these artist can just make anything and I’m all for a good aesthetic choices but sometimes they just let their imagination run too far. I mean I don’t look at that on a regular basis. That was like a fluke or something. Beat Um lets go to Youtube.
• PREACHER: I’m sure you will like this, it’s a PewDiePie compilation. Ok actually no that’s cringe as fuck. Um lets see not you, not you, definitely not you. I started watching this dude called Onision but I don’t know he just got unfunny after like 2 days of watching videos. Umm. I mean I can just show you music videos. Yeah, I read somewhere that dogs like music. Or maybe it was cows. I think it was cows. Anywho you’re watching the videos of Viva la Vida and Fallen Kingdom.
• Long beat let both songs play in their completion. I’m kidding like a 20 second beat. HOODED CREATURE starts rocking along to the rhythm.
• PREACHER: Yeah everybody likes come good ole Coldplay. The farthest thing possible from cringey.
• PREACHER leans into the HOODED CREATURE.
• PREACHER: Gosh this fabric is so soft. You know this is it. This is what I want from life. Just listening to good music, leaning onto a warm body and soft fabric chilling. Vibing. Not all the other extraneous stuff like buying cars, or expensive restaurants, or having abs. Being gay, or straight or a predator or prey. Just existing. That shouldn’t be so hard. Other people just want me to be something. Either more tough and assertive, or more innocent and cute. You don’t ask anything of me. You’re like my other bitch, Kiara. I give her belly rubs and food. She gives me face licks and sometimes obeys my commands. We have a nice relationship. Nothing complicated just a bit of affections and an unsaid agreement that we trust each other completely. Casual. We are close because we both provide something for each other consistently. All relationships should be reciprocal in that way. I give you something you need or simply desire like humor, a good conversation, a shoulder to cry on, belly rubs, head pats. And I recieve what I desire, which is often just an ear to talk to. Romance complicates that. Makes it so you have to become some character, do things outside of your norm just to maintain the relationship. A business that uses lots of money but makes no profit eventually fails. So the same with an unbalanced relationship. If it's all work no play then what's the point. My friends have utility. When they are useful to me I talk to them, hang out, even entertain those things they care about but I don't. But once they stop being beneficial I leave. And sure I might return and they can be helpful again but until then I don't even think about them. That's not cold, it's efficent. Kiara understands this and never barks are whines because I'm not outside 24/7 with her. You understand this because you don't show up unless I need to fix my psyche. It's like how rappers use the word, Bitches you use em then and leave em. Except like platonic. I want platonic hookups with people. Friends with benefits but not those types of benefits. Casual Bitches like you. I wish regular full humans could be like that.
• THE HOODED CREATURE leans back into PREACHER
• PREACHER: Oh wolfie are my friends right? I mean my new friends, the Geeks never said anything helpful to me Am I just gay and depressed? Beat Nah. Girls are sexy, and funny, and sensitive, and creative, and sometimes bold, sometimes shy, but always interesting. I mean some guys are cool but there’s a shift in the level of diversity and uniqueness of each guy. After a while you just start running into the same dudes with different names. It’s like with jeans. men’s jeans all look the same, are stiff, heavy, and hard to move in. Now women can get those same type of jeans but they can also get jeans that stretch, jeans that flow in the wind, jeans with glitter and stitching, jeans with holes and distressing, it just doesn’t seem fair I have to be a sex that gets all the restrictions and boredom.
• HOODED CREATURE turns head toward PREACHER then sits back up straight leading to PREACHER momentarily losing his balance.
• PREACHER: Ok yeah. I’m a feminist. Yes I shouldn't use the word Bitches so freely and all. It's not very pc of me. I know in society I’m the one with all the privilege. But the external isn’t everything. Inside I sometimes feel like I’m in a cage made of gold. Sometimes I’d like the be on the vanguard, throwing bricks at police cars, or burning bras at a [ageant show. Yes I might be hated despised but at least I have something to stand for, fight for, something to risk my life for. My only significant character trait is being good, a good student, good citizen, good little Christian. And my character flaws, well I can get rid of the worst of those.
• The song changes from Coldplay to another British band.
• PREACHER: Oh my goodness I love this song!!!! I’m just gonna turn that one up.
• PREACHER get off the bed as a bouncy British dance song starts playing.
• PREACHER: I'm just overthinking. I just want to have fun and not worry about societal norms. I want to pose. And wear stilletos, and baggy pants with a, uh fedora on top! Haha. And I want to make crafts and rate boys asses, and talk about the stars, and emotions, and cooking tips. I want to feel emotions, not dampened feelings full emotions, I want to cry again, from sadness or from joy. And dance. More than any of that I want to dance.
• PREACHER Breaks out into a very silly freestyle not at all in rhythm complete with very out of place whips and nae naes. PREACHER plops back onto the bed on his belly with his feet up.
• PREACHER: That funky little dude. I know he’s a fictional character and all but just look at him groove like that. I just love the way he is all animated. It’s so fun. Reminds me of the 70’s and disco. He’s all lanky and androgynous. Like that’s the type of guy I want to be. Just a free spirit rocking it out and loving life. I’m a weirdo, no doubt about that but I’m still just a boy. Just a fun boy like Noodle here.
• ,Beat
• HOODED CREATURE uncovers face to reveal that of a woman who bears strong resemblance to PREACHER.
• HOODED CREATURE: You know Noodle is a girl right?
• PREACHER: Wot?
• Lights darken, a drum beat plays accompanied by a funky synth.